oh, it's you again clouds

I feel like I’m resisting something, very strongly. I can’t tell exactly what I’m pulling against, but I can feel the strain on my body and in my mind.

It’s a weight, it drags on me from day to day, sometimes it is lightened- mostly by good company. Mostly by my Justin. But even with his help, it still exists. It’s not his job to make me give in or win against the something I’m resisting. If I don’t even know what it is, how could anyone else?

It feels familiar too. That’s almost the worst part. Maybe I would be frightened by this sensation inside myself if I didn’t know it from before. But I’m not scared, just weary. Like clouds that have rained, cleared away for the sun to shine through and then come back with more rain; ‘oh, it’s you again clouds, I thought you’d gone for good this time’.

It’s like I’m tied to a giant box and I have to drag it behind me, uphill. I can’t see what’s inside but it’s heavy today. I was going to say it’s like being chained to something out of sight in the darkness that I’m pulling, but it’s not that ominous. It’s just heavy.

There are almost no other emotions attached to this pulling, this struggle, this resistance. Just the weary tread of someone who has pulled this box before and knows just how long the road is.

I am craving something. Deep in the very extreme center of myself I lack some vital something. If I only knew what that something was, maybe I could get it. Work towards it. I’m not afraid to work, hard or easy, long or fast. If I know what I’m heading towards I would work. But I don’t even have a direction. No compass to guide, no stars to read, no map with a hint of where to go, no breath of air with the smell of the sea, still miles away, for me to follow.

How do you find a direction to go; to find that something which you don’t know anything about- only that you need this something. Need it like sunlight and like food. Water and air can keep you alive. But you need a fire to Live.