Cab Rides and Coco Chanel

I have had to take our cat, Gambit, to the vet a few times since we got him… initial check-up and vaccinations, his booster shots and getting him fixed. Since we don’t have a car I’ve had to take the cat in his carrier in cabs. For some reason this is when I’ve had the most interesting conversations with the cab drivers.

Cabby: Cat?
Me: yes
Cabby: what name?
Me: Gambit
Cabby: Gamble ?
Me: umm, yeah
Cabby: Mr.? or Mrs?
Me: Mr. Gambit
Cabby: Mr. Gamble. Mr. Gamble work at casheno?
Me: (in my head, oh Casino..) hah, yeah…

That conversation was mostly amusing because of the guys accent. The next one was one I had sort of been waiting for but still was incredulous when it happened.

So I had just picked Gambit up from being fixed and was a little preoccupied with him. I told the cab driver what we tell all cab drivers “I’m going to the Hamilton hotel” It’s
a) the easiest way to get where we want without confusing someone who doesn’t speak english well
b) it’s only a few blocks from us and it’s usually not worth it to direct the cab up a few switch backs to get to our front door and
c) even if I knew my street name or house number (which I don’t) the cab driver couldn’t find the place anyway because their street systems makes so little sense that they are actually in the process of switching it to one that is more clear.

We start driving and I roll down the window (like I usually do in a cab) and
he says “the lello lain, chinese, very bad”
Me: blank stare
Him: Lello lain!! very bad!! *pointing out my window*
Me: oh okay
Him: Shut window!!!
Me: (oooooh, yellow rain form China) I roll up my window. It’s not even raining yet. It’s over cast- yes. Raining- no. Also your cab smells like smoke which is why I opened the window asshole, I’m pretty sure that will kill you first. (obviously I sat in silence, but thats what I was thinking).

SO, I told him ‘Hamilton hotel’ thinking I would do what I’ve done before (when I had a cab full of groceries or the last time I took Gambit home form the vet) get close to the Hamilton then tell him one more block, turn left etc… usually there isn’t much of a problem but this time, This time we’re getting close and I say ‘Actually, go one more street and turn left’ and the cabby stops the cab at the intersection, tilts the rear view mirror so he can look at me (and all I see are angry eyes from him) and starts raising his voice at me telling me I should have told him sooner and blah blah blah. As if you would know where you were going if I did sir! I was pissed! But just said “okay” in as level a voice as I could and repeated ‘Next block, turn left’.

*** I came home and started putting away my clean clothes***

Does anyone else have batches of clothes? I don’t mean that as in “I have a ton of clothes” but like, you buy things in bulk and or multiple colors. I learned this habit from my mother who in turn learned it from my grandmother who probably got the idea from Coco Chanel who was once quoted saying “If it fits, buy it in every color” and we did.

I apply this mostly when I find a cut of clothing that works particularly well for me. I then look at all the colors or washes available and either buy all of them, or only most of them. I mean if something really, flawlessly works with my body making me feel like a million bucks. So I end up with a batch of shirts, or several dresses or a few pairs of jeans or a dozen or so of the same cut of panties.

That being said, when say, a batch of tank tops, gets too worn I suddenly have a huge gap in my wardrobe. My point was….umm, oh sometimes I can get away with buying new of the same cut from the same brand, but more often than not something is slightly changed and isn’t the same awesomeness I bought before. Or sometimes they discontinue something all together (*cough Express sweaters and VS panties cough*).

I then have to search for the next awesome cut and hope they have a lot of colors and or keep making it. Ultimately I didn’t have a point to this post, but I noticed some of my tank tops are getting a little worn out and I’m already dreading when my favorite (discontinued) pantie batch dies. So…what do normal people do?

Not Sad

When I think of my divorce, I don’t think about the person I was in that relationship with. I think about the way it ended- so suddenly. I think about how I had poured more of myself than I had to give into a relationship that didn’t want to continue existing. I couldn’t see that it was over, maybe from the beginning, the thought never occurred to me. I tried so hard to keep that marriage afloat but the other person didn’t want to be on the boat at all.

What I think about most is; after I was told it was over. I had to be told. I didn’t give up, but I knew that as soon as it was said, there was no hope for the marriage to continue. So I just stopped. I stopped trying. I stopped loving that person (if what I thought was love, Was love, and I’m not so sure it was). But I also stopped living. I stopped sleeping. I stopped tasting my food. I stopped dreaming. I stopped closing my eyes.

After he told me it was over, I knew exactly How over it was. It was completely and solidly over. Aside from a few text messages or emails to get some details taken care of, I never saw him or heard his voice again. Maybe he thought it was kinder. Maybe he was scared of me and whatever wrath he assumed I’d have. (I was never angry) Maybe he was just selfish. He was always selfish.

Of all the things I thought during my months of nothingness, I never thought ‘I want to go back’ or ‘I miss him’. I only questioned myself and my flaws. What I had done wrong. My faults. All the things I must have done wrong to end a marriage. I also mourned for the life I thought I had and the family members I had lost (his family) and I missed our cats. I still miss the cats but I accept that I’ll never see them again.

I only think of him and what we failed to do (have a lasting marriage) because of the love I have now. Somehow, after all the months of false living, of not facing myself, of running away from my thoughts; one day, I started living again. It was small and slow at first, but it was completely my own life. It had been so long since I had lived for just me, that it took me a long time to relearn. But I did and just in time too, because almost the day I decided I was fine again and was happy with me just being me I found someone who was happy for me to be me too.

This man, Justin, learned me like he had a secret code book. He knew me from the first moment our souls touched. I didn’t have to explain who I was, he already knew, I didn’t have to tell him how I felt or what I wanted, he already knew, I didn’t have to tell him to be careful of my heart, he already was.

Impossibly, after I was still warm from my person fires of hell, I was met on the road of life by someone who was walking at my pace. I never dreamed that there was someone outside myself who could know me so well as Justin knows me. I never dreamed I could love someone so completely, I love Justin more than I’ve ever loved a person before. I never knew I had so much to give and still feel so full of love.

Sometimes I worry I have scars, I don’t know about, that will ruin what I hold dear to me now. I worry the past was not destructive enough and will somehow destroy me again. This time for good. I finally accepted that what ended was not because of me, was not my fault. If something happened to end the life I live with Justin now, how could I walk away faultless this time?

I try to tell those thoughts that they’re silly and a) nothing will end the love I share now with Justin and b) only the thoughts themselves are destructive and I carry nothing bad from the past forward. I only carry what I learned about myself.

I like to picture my life as stepping stones across a deep pond, each stone is needed to cross, every experience is necessary in order to reach the next step. I would not be who I am today without everything I learned (about myself and others) from my past. I would not have been ready to meet my Justin and I may not have been capable of loving him so deeply. Maybe I would have been too scared of loss and too self absorbed, but with hard lessons learned I was ready to meet him and walk forward next to him forever.

oh, it's you again clouds

I feel like I’m resisting something, very strongly. I can’t tell exactly what I’m pulling against, but I can feel the strain on my body and in my mind.

It’s a weight, it drags on me from day to day, sometimes it is lightened- mostly by good company. Mostly by my Justin. But even with his help, it still exists. It’s not his job to make me give in or win against the something I’m resisting. If I don’t even know what it is, how could anyone else?

It feels familiar too. That’s almost the worst part. Maybe I would be frightened by this sensation inside myself if I didn’t know it from before. But I’m not scared, just weary. Like clouds that have rained, cleared away for the sun to shine through and then come back with more rain; ‘oh, it’s you again clouds, I thought you’d gone for good this time’.

It’s like I’m tied to a giant box and I have to drag it behind me, uphill. I can’t see what’s inside but it’s heavy today. I was going to say it’s like being chained to something out of sight in the darkness that I’m pulling, but it’s not that ominous. It’s just heavy.

There are almost no other emotions attached to this pulling, this struggle, this resistance. Just the weary tread of someone who has pulled this box before and knows just how long the road is.

I am craving something. Deep in the very extreme center of myself I lack some vital something. If I only knew what that something was, maybe I could get it. Work towards it. I’m not afraid to work, hard or easy, long or fast. If I know what I’m heading towards I would work. But I don’t even have a direction. No compass to guide, no stars to read, no map with a hint of where to go, no breath of air with the smell of the sea, still miles away, for me to follow.

How do you find a direction to go; to find that something which you don’t know anything about- only that you need this something. Need it like sunlight and like food. Water and air can keep you alive. But you need a fire to Live.

I want a jet pack or flying car

Technology does not yet work the way I think it should work.

Don’t get me wrong, I am blown away by some things. Like when I had Skype on my computer- cool, BUT then I had video chat Skype on my cell phone!? That was a good day. Or when I saw the video quality of the ipad? amazing. The internet browsing power of the ipad? not so much.

I just want everything to work together all the time without many multiple log ins and non-compatibility issues, oh and I want all my date to be accessible from anywhere, secure, backed up constantly and searchable. How hard is that?

I think there are ways you can do what I want, mostly, but some of them are very complicated (not to mention expensive) and need a technician (or just a really techie person) to set it up (and maintain).

I don’t want to worry about lost data, ever. And I just want to watch videos in high def from Justin’s computer in the office on the TV in the living room without worrying about band width.

Just work already! It’s the future right?

P.S. what prompted this post was the fact that my smurf village (app) started over from scratch for no reason. I was at level 19 too!