I’ve never hated anything about myself. Sometimes I’d wished I was better in school, or playing a musical instrument, or faster at running- but that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean the parts of yourself that are essentially you. Things you can’t change with more studying or practicing.
I’ve always liked my body, sometimes wished I was a little thinner, but who hasn’t. It isn’t something I obsess over. I fuss over my hair a LOT, I like everything about it (color, texture, temperament) but usually I have a haircut I don’t like or I’m in the middle of growing it out. (and then when I like the length, it takes too long to wash).
I suppose my one secret thing, that really keeps me up at night sometimes, are my eyes. I love my eyes, their shape, the lashes, their size, the width they are set at... and the color.
I both love in extreme the color of my eyes, and, I also wish they were something more unusual and more striking.
I have deep, dark brown eyes. They are soft and warm, they are mysterious and can’t be read. I like that about them. People often remark on my eyes about how beautiful they are. And I love them.
But, but, but... oh to have the blues eyes that are in poems and songs. To have green eyes, or gray, or violet, or the nonexistent but sounds awesome turquoise eyes. Something colorful and striking and beautiful and mesmerizing. Sometimes I wonder if the world would look different through different colored eyes. Sometimes I wonder if the world would look at me differently too.
The eyes are the window to the soul, they say. Are blue eyes more open? Are brown eyes shuttered against the world?
I hate that I wonder. I want to be happy with who I am and what I look like because it IS who I am and it can’t be changed. And I also believe it Shouldn’t be changed. I feel that it somehow is like hiding yourself if you change those things about you.
Yes, it’s fun to try new looks, different lengths of hair. Sure, different colors then too. Oh, more makeup. Maybe a little help to get into those jeans that look so good on everyone else... and maybe fill out that shirt a little more in a bountiful way. Firm up that face, and maybe pull some wrinkles straight, like a sheet.
I object to these. If I object, then why do I wonder? Who would I still be if I was taller, skinner, blonde with those glacier blue eyes? Or luminous green eyes, or those piercing yet mysterious gray that I read so much about.
It’s not the changing of the outside that bothers me, it’s what must be going on INSIDE that allows you to think that the outside must be bad and changed, like a flat tire, with no more thought than that.
Will your life be better? If you were taller, thinner, blonder, blue eyed? Maybe...
Would you be the same you? no. never.
Something inside has changed, twisted, made you feel that the most precious thing in the world wasn’t good enough. You, you are that most precious thing in the world and you are Exactly as you are meant to be.
Or so I tell myself. Doe eyes, chocolate chip, my brown eyed girl.
